


a little bit in love

by WattStalf



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crushes, F/M, Introspection, M/M, Several ships are tagged but its ultimately shuuneki, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-25 13:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18575206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: Shuu has fallen a little bit in love several times, and has avoided it in other cases, but Kaneki is different, though perhaps not for the reason he tells himself.





	a little bit in love

**Author's Note:**

> Tsukiyama is a disaster and my favorite character so I went a little wild for my first Tokyo Ghoul fic. I guess I've had this idea for half a year now, but I didn't realize that I had it until yesterday, and now, here we are.

Shuu did not mean to fall in love.

_ Did not _ fall in love, that’s what he means to say, because he didn’t, regardless of how it may feel at times. He did not fall in love with Ken Kaneki, not at any point during their strange friendship, though it makes perfect sense to him  _ why _ it might seem that way, why it might be easy, at times, to mistake such a strong pull for romantic attraction. After all, there’s a bit of romanticism in everything he does, isn’t there?

And it isn’t that he has some fear of falling in love; it isn’t that there would be some great problem if he ever  _ did _ fall in love. He’s no stranger to fleeting infatuation, the way he always falls just a little bit in love- a crush, most would call it, but he doesn’t like that word- with his friends, with his enemies, with anyone who shows him something truly beautiful.

The Kirishima girl, for instance, though she was a bit young for him, occupied his mind for days at a time, with her cold, sharp eyes, and the way that she never hesitated, never feared him. Shuu was just a little bit in love with her, off and on, but never more than he could handle, never more than he could dial back, and certainly not so intensely that it prevented him from falling just a little bit in love with anyone else.

Rize Kamishiro was an unknown from the beginning, with a beauty to rival his, and a strange quality about her, a sort of charisma, perhaps, that men could seldom resist. Shuu certainly couldn’t, not in the beginning, but then, they seemed so similar, and she gave him so many priceless conversations, so many things to think about, and yet, for some time, all he could think about was her.

That infatuation fell short rather quickly, though, when she insulted him in such a way that, in his eyes, she suddenly became very, very ugly. There is not a way to recover from such a slight, he knows, and Kamishiro is not the sort of person he wants to fall completely in love with.

There are also cases where he does not fall in love, not even a little bit, but he knows that he could have, if things were different. Chie, the closest of his friends, is one clear example, as he knows that there are enough admirable traits there that she could be a worthy candidate. She is unusual and persistent and strange and wonderful, and he could spend hours talking to her, and he knows she would always listen, even as her patience began to grow thin.

Human or not, it would be no crime for him to love her, but even he is not swept away in that infatuation; he does not allow himself to be. True friendship is so rare, and even when he does meet Kamishiro, years later, he knows that it is entirely different than what he has with Chie. It is nothing he can truly miss, once he allows himself to fall in love, and that is what sets it apart.

Much like Chie, there is Kanae, a close confidante that he at least suspects must hold some affection for him. Perhaps he is similar to Shuu in that regard as well, or perhaps Shuu is the only one he sees in that light; regardless, Shuu knows that it might be pleasant to allow himself to love Kanae in return. Sometimes it feels as though Kanae understands him better than anyone, and together, they could make a beautiful pair. Often, Shuu has thought that Kanae’s beauty is wasted on his position, and that it’s a shame he’s left as only a servant.

But he does not fall in love with Kanae, not a little bit and not completely, and though he sometimes thinks of himself as cruel for it, Shuu thinks it might be for the best. He thinks that there might be too many complications, that Kanae isn’t really ready, that if he were to fall in love with his young servant, it will have to be years and years later, when Kanae has grown, and some of these complications have been resolved.

But then there is Kaneki, suddenly and without warning, and Shuu cannot, will never, be able to think of anything else. Not Kanae or Chie, though he delights in filling them in on every detail, not Kirishima, despite her closeness to him, and certainly not Kamishiro, even if there are striking similarities, and an undeniable connection between the two. Kaneki consumes his thoughts as fiercely as Shuu wishes to consume him, but it isn’t, it can’t be, love.

Shuu does not fall a little bit in love with Kaneki, because to fall in love with with a dish, regardless of how rare and how perfect said dish may be, is foolish, to say the least. After all, no matter how much you may savor it, once it’s gone, that’s all there is to it, and no fond memory can quite take the place of a lover’s embrace, or so Shuu would assume. He’s never actually had one of those, but he has had many exquisite meals over the years, and to get attached in such a way would be a mistake.

A beginner’s mistake, nothing an expert like him could ever make, and so he does not fall in love with Kaneki.

There are qualities about Kaneki that he could fall in love with, however. The younger man is plain, but that’s not altogether unattractive, and Shuu could work with that, if given the chance. He is kind in a way that is so naive and so charming, and it’s thrilling to watch reality chip away at that, to watch his eyes, at times, grow as cold as Kirishima’s were when Shuu first thought of her as beautiful.

There are so many ways to toy with and enjoy Kaneki that Shuu doesn’t realize he’s dragging things out, not at first. He invites himself along with every twist in Kaneki’s life, with every change the other man goes through, not out of love, but because he is waiting for the right moment, that’s all. And he doesn’t have a moment because Kaneki has become strong enough to rival him, so of course he has to wait a bit longer, and because it is so rare for them to have any time alone together.

There is always an obstacle in the form of Banjo, a stupid man who is loyal to a fault, and so crass and useless and distinctly  _ ugly _ to Shuu that he really is nothing more than an obstacle, even if there is something to be said for his loyalty, even if there is something beautiful in his determination, even if he does have some qualities that draw out such a sharp contrast that anyone could fall-

No, absolutely not. He could never fall in love with someone like that, not even a little bit, so he never allows his mind to wander any further. Not that it’s difficult to distract himself, because, yet again, he can just think of Kaneki and what he can do to continue to prepare the two of them for the inevitable, and how wonderful that inevitable will be, even if it’s becoming harder and harder for him to actually picture it. Perhaps his imagination isn’t quite what it used to be?

But then there’s that harsh day when Kaneki wants to leave him, wants to leave his side forever, and there is no imagination, there are no thoughts of what he admires about the other man, or what it is that makes him so desirable a dish, there is nothing but that frantic fear of losing him, and if he has to spoil everything he’s built up to right now, just to make sure that no one else can have him,  _ then so be it _ , but-

But he loses. He loses, and he loses Kaneki, and that’s all there is to be said on the matter, and all he can bring himself to say. He loses.

Shuu did not mean to fall in love with Kaneki, and claims again and again that he did not. He’s fallen a little bit in love with so many wonderful people over the years, and dodged it with many more who might have been just as deserving, but things were always different with Kaneki. It wasn’t the same as falling a little bit in love with anyone, so he tries to believe that he must not have been in love with him at all.

But there is a step beyond a little bit, one that no one else has ever achieved, something that he’s never felt before, and it’s only in the end, when the intensity has burned out and the loss of Kaneki has left an ache he can’t cure, that he wonders, for just a moment, if this is what it means to fall in love with someone completely.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested in my writing updates, please follow my fanfiction twitter @WattStalf  
> I'll follow back so long as you don't post anything hateful!


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